I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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