I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
