Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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