apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he puts the penis in happiness.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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