i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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