Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
