Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
