I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
