Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
