NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Someone signed my nipple.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
