Who wears a wallet chain?!
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
