I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
