At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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