do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
