"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
