Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
