Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
