Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
