I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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