Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
