god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
