I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
P.S. I can't hear my feet
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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