i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
