She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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