I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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