I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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