I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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