Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
