i just sent this text using only my big toe
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
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