you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
