Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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