I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
