I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
