woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
