Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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