dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
