Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
