your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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