Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
did i walk over a car last night?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
His nipple licking is glorious
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