You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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