She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
