Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
