Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
