how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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