Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
