Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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