I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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