I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
