It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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