Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
