Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
