Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
