The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
