good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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